Tuesday, 6 March 2012

A Super Tuesday Tale: The Story So Far

Hello boys and girls! In America, it's Super Tuesday today - so primary voters in 10 states are casting their ballots today. This is probably a good time to remind you of the Story So Far in the Republican primary. It's been grippng.

Initially, Mitt Romney looked like a shoo-in candidate, but quickly Republican voters came to realise that he was a poor campaigner, personally unlikeable, prone to embarassing gaffes, and slippery in his beliefs.

So they all decamped to the Great Saviour from Texas - Rick Perry. Who enjoyed a surge until we discovered that he seems not to know anything about anything (for instance, he couldn't remember the names of the 3rd Cabinet agency he wanted to abolish. "Oops!").

Then they all got excited about a Pizza salesman - Herman Cain. Until it turned out that he ALSO didn't know anything - for instance, what might be happening in Libya - and also had some icky affairs and did some sexual harrassing, which at first the Republicans were totally fine with, but then eventually they were like, "You know what? Nah."

So Perry and Cain both dropped out to make way for the new big sensation in the race: New Gingrich. Newt surged to a lead, because Republican voters decided his affairs were a really long time ago, plus he gets angry a lot, which they like, and plus he seems really smart and has BIG IDEAS.

Unfortunately, it turned out that some of his big ideas included stuff like giant mirrors in space to illuminate the highways (no, I'm not kidding). Also, everyone remembered that he's not a very nice person.

So then everybody thought, OK, let's give Romney a chance after all because - you know. All that stuff about him being a weak candidate that no one likes are still true, but what the heck, everyone else also sucks.

But then they thought, NO GOD DAMN IT! They REALLY REALLY DON'T LIKE MITT ROMNEY! And he's a Mormon, which is weird and they have magic underwear and what's that about?

Maybe they'll just go back Newt. He's still angry, which they like.

Argh - but no, he's angry but he's also a jerk and he's promising to build a moon colony and make them into the 51st state (and what is it with this guy and outer space, anyway) so no, not Newt...

Romney, then? Is it really going to be Romney? OK, they start to think maybe it will be Romney after all, but then they suddenly remembered!

"Wait a minute! We hate gay people and we're uncomforable with women. You know who else hates gays and thinks women should shut up and make babies? Rick Santorum! He's, like, famous for it!"

So they think maybe Santorum will save them, because the Google thing is less of a big deal now, and surely hatred and fear of minorities has always been a winning strategy. But then, it turns out that Rick's not actually on the ballot on a lot of states, so it's unclear if he can in theory actually win enough delegates to win.

And then we start having this really icky conversation about birth control with all these women trying to talk about their lady parts and it makes the Republicans really uncomfortable, but it turns out that some of these women have the right to vote (when did that happen anyway) and they seem to be getting really angry, and being angry is bad when other people do it.

So, they're back to Romney. Because they don't like him very much but, really, who else is there?


Happy Super Tuesday everyone.